Dear Girlfriend,
I am a 45 year old woman. I have been dating this divorced man for about a year and a half now. When we met, he told me he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship and he was not getting married again. I said “cool,” because I have been married before and I am a very independent woman with my own everything. However, since I do want to marry again, I continued dating and talking to other guys, keeping my options open.
This man would text me every morning and call me every day to chit chat. We ate out together at least once a week and he would bring food over sometimes too. We looked at movies and I kept his favorite drink at my bar. We were friends, good friends. with benefits. I really enjoyed his company and he had a great sense of humor. He could have been the one for me.
Well once the pandemic hit, I lost my job and was off work for 6 months but got unemployment and subsidized with my savings. During that time we didn’t see each other as much and going out to eat totally stopped. However he would Cash App me $200 every time he got paid and said that was my allowance. That was more than anyone else I knew was doing for me and I appreciated it. Well I got a new job and the allowance has stopped and so has the regular morning texts and the phone calls are not as often. I can tell there is someone else. I am a bit hurt and angry but I play it off when he calls and acts as if nothing is wrong. My best friend said she would have cursed him out and that I am not handling this right. So we decided this is a Dear Girlfriend letter. So, Am I handling him right or is this all wrong?
Losing My Boo!
Dear Losing My Boo,
All my life I’ve been told if a person says “they don’t want to be in a relationship,” believe them. What it means is they don’t want to be in a relationship with you.
Please don’t be insulted. It does not mean they do not like the way you look, the way you dress, your company or like screwing you. He evidently likes all those things or you would not have been getting an allowance but that does not change the fact, he does not want you to be his one and only or wifey. He wants to be your boyfriend.
Let’s clarify, a boyfriend is a man that has found you interesting and likes what they see. However boyfriends come and go. There’s NO commitment unless they fall in love with you along the way and it becomes more. So, you have to accept people where they are. Hollering, fussing and cussing will not do a thing, but run a man off. However, you do have to let him know how you feel ...calmly. I have heard men call girls crazy for cursing them out or for jumping into a jealous rage at them for not calling ....saying she went off and we were just friends.
Sounds like you had that thing going for a minute, so you either did something that turned him off, or he met someone else that has sparked his interest who consumes his time or maybe an old love came back. That does happen, so you should ask!
You are old enough to know that when you are applying for a job, you must be the best candidate. When you want to be the one, you have to act like it.. If you are applying for the Help Mate position, there are some things you must do:
1.You must be real and stop playing these, I don’t need a man game. If you want more, then say so. Every man wants to be loved, needed and encouraged too.
2. You must consume his time with food and fun. You stated all he does for you, but what you do for him. Men get tired of women who are always expecting something but are doing nothing in return but screwing. Since he does have to eat daily and you were unemployed, you should have shown more initiative in the kitchen. I didn't say cook everyday, but very few men are trying to marry a woman that does not concern herself with meals even if he cooks. You had a year to establish a supportive rapport.
3. You must introduce him into your social life and always make holiday plans.. You must give him an option to be in your world.. If he is never willing, that’s usually a sign that he is he is just buying time with you and you are not the one. So stay cool but real!