Dear Girlfriend,
I am a 35 year old educated female. I have no children and a good job. I know I am cute but I have never had a real relationship or boyfriend for any length of time. I do not date much and rarely do I see anyone I am interested in. Well, I finally met someone who I thought was a nice guy. We even seemed to be equally yoked. We both graduated from the same University. He is five years older than me but we still know quite a few of the same people. However no one knew we were dating because I did not want anyone all up in my business.
Well, to make a long story short, my guy friend’s organization had a very nice party and I sold tickets for him. I actually sold a table. When I arrived he was at the door and we spoke. He had one of the hostesses show me and a couple of my guests to our table. It was up front and had my name on it. He sent me a drink but he never came over to my table and he never came to dance with me. I felt a bit slighted. At the end of the evening when my coworker and I were leaving, I saw this woman all over him. I just looked, played it off and went on to my car. I was so dumbfounded and hurt.
Why would he allow her to do that knowing that I was there? I have not spoken to him since. He has called a few times but I have not answered. I thought we had something special. He had been over more than once for dinner and I had cooked. He even spent the night on a few occasions. What did I do wrong? Why do all my relationships end up like this? I am so disappointed.
Taking it Easy in Tallahassee
Dear Taking it Easy in Tallahassee,
Check yourself, you may be acting like the side chick and thus being treated like one. The side chick is always a secret and the main chick is seen everywhere. The one thing you did wrong was to not want anyone all up in your business. Well, now there is no one all up in y’all business because y’all don’t have any business. The other chick acted like the main chick, approached her man and claimed him. While you sat back and watched.
The first rule of dating is that you are no one’s secret. Even if you are just friends. Your girlfriends are not secrets, so your guy friends are not secrets either. If you are cool with a guy (let alone sleeping with him) he should be known to your family or friends. If not, he may end up dating a coworker, sister or friend. That may happen anyway, but they can’t say they didn’t know. Besides, if you come up missing we need to know where to start looking.
Were you trying to be slick? Did the player get played? If so, you slicked yourself out of a relationship. You were willing to do everything and be a secret. Most men don’t respect slick. They associate it with cheater or booty call, not wifey. Men are not that much different from women, they want to be claimed and introduced to your family and friends too, if they really like you. When you introduce a man and brag on him, it makes him feel good and loved. The woman who treats a man who is pursuing her, like that, usually does not have any problem keeping him. When you do not introduce them, they assume you just want a friend with benefits and that’s what you seem to be getting. There are plenty of men who want to play the game that you have been unconsciously playing. If you are cute with it all together as you say,, they will secretly play with you as long as you allow them.
I hope you are not running your men off being too mean. Nobody wants to be miserable with you. Men like the company of pleasant women who make them feel good about themselves. They are as insecure as we are (if not more) and they need constant reassurance that they are loved.
At your age, you should know that if a man is not comfortable with you in public, you should not be comfortable with him being all up in you in private.
Everyone you meet will not be a love connection. If they are... that’s a real problem. Allow a man the opportunity to yearn to stay with you. If your relationship is not public, Do not let him spend the night. He needs to inconveniently get up and take his azz home before daylight.
Remember men talk more than women, bragging on their escapades and no man wants to claim an easy piece that everyone has had. I have heard young ladies say the dating game has changed. Don’t be fooled. It hasn’t changed that much, ask the girls who are in relationships that are not a secret. They are doing something right. The T.H.O.T. is still “That Ho over There” You must respect yourself first without boring a man to death. So in the future STOP acting like the side chick. As for now, answer the phone, talk and deal with your feelings. If you don’t like what you hear, say, “Boy BYE!”